Pirates Of The Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Filmed with 3D cameras, it's still an eye-aching waste of punters' money.
The fabulous Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl introduced us to one of the most glorious anti-heroes of recent times, Captain Jack Sparrow. Eight years on Johnny Depp can barely be bothered to imbue his creation with the sly humour and debauched arrogance from the first film, and is content to mumble his way aimlessly through On Stranger Tides. However, with such a witless script, who can blame him for taking the pay cheque and running.
This time, the British and Spanish navies are racing towards the fabled Fountain of Youth, with Geoffrey Rush's Barbossa leading the way with his new peg leg (put to nice Sparrow-esque use halfway through the film). There's also Ian McShane's dastardly Blackbeard, who doesn't seem to be relishing such an iconic role as much as you'd expect. The permanently burning and sizzling beard is a nice touch though. Captain Jack is once again on the run from the law, which leads to a decent chase through the streets of London, enhanced by an admittedly funny cameo from Dame Judi Dench. Talking of cameos, Keith Richards is back, and his presence is a godsend.
With Keira Knightley wisely washing her hands of the franchise, it's now down to Penelope Cruz to fill the token feisty maiden role. The captivating Oscar-winner is shamefully wasted as Angelica. An old flame of the curiously sexless Sparrow, Cruz and Depp are engaged in utterly chemistry-free swordplay and bickering, and their relationship goes no further than constant nagging about the past ("you used me" ad nauseam).
Filling the cute and sparky gap left by the departed Knightley and Orlando Bloom, the producers have at least done well in casting the newbies. In amongst all the confusing backtracking and backstabbing going on (there's little tension to be found in either), there's an interesting subplot. For the first time, mermaids are introduced to the Pirates franchise. If only they had been given a sizeable chunk of the 137 minutes, for their brief appearance in the murky 3D waters shows how inept Rob Marshall is at directing action. At least French actress Astrid Berges-Frisbey is given a decent supporting role as Syrena, a mermaid forced to join the marauders in their search for the fountain. She is protected by Sam Claflin's missionary Philip, who despite being wet behind the ears, makes for a pretty virtuous warrior. Their endearing relationship is the one enjoyable part of the film, but they are given nowhere near the amount of screen time Will and Elizabeth had.
Filmed with 3D cameras, it's still an eye-aching waste of punters' money, despite some nicely swooping shots of the various ships. However, through the glasses, the perpetually dark film is depressingly difficult to watch. It's hard to recall why the overlong running time was needed - the action scenes are nothing to write home about, and there's little plot to speak of, just a lot of jumbled and repetitive exposition that kills the decent one-liners stone dead.
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